


Carpe diem

by Inthemostauspiciousmanner



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, Todd Anderson in love, anderperry, idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 02:20:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30014622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inthemostauspiciousmanner/pseuds/Inthemostauspiciousmanner
Summary: The poets are worried about Todd. Since Neil's death he's been distant, so they pay him a visit.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Steven Meeks, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Kudos: 19





	Carpe diem

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language. I also didn't write any of the poems that can be found in the text

The three boys stood in front of Todd and Neil’s dorm door, waiting for a reaction to their knocking, but not one sound came from behind it. They all wore a worried expression on their faces. Todd hadn’t come out the room since Mr. Keating left and barely spoke to them after Neil’s funeral. In had been three days. 

“You can’t lock yourself into that room forever, Todd” Charlie Dalton tried to reason with him through the door, but neither the boy inside, nor the heavy wood answered.  
At last Knox stepped forward, pushed down the handle and opened the door slowly, revealing a dull chamber. Two uncomfortable looking beds stood against the beige wall. They both seemed untouched, like nobody had slept in them for a long time. The rest of the room was in chaos. A tie and several crumbled sheets of paper laid on the floor and the desks were overfloating with half-written essays and opened books. Located between the beds was a window with a windowsill just broad enough to sit down on it. 

Seated on it was Todd, only a silhouette against the light. He wasn’t looking down on the snow-covered grounds of the school, but staring blankly at the wall in front of him. His figure was hunched over and his hands were placed on his lap in which a familiar green sweater and a book rested. He didn’t even shift as his friends stepped into the room and quietly closed the door behind them. The moment it fell shut, all the noises from the hallway were drowned out by the suffocating silence, laying over the room like a heavy blanket.  
Usually, the boys would move to their regular places. Charlie lying on Neil’s bed, Meeks settling for the desk-chair on the right and Knox occupying the other one. But it felt wrong, so they stood in the room, feeling completely and utterly lost, searching for something to say, until Meeks’ voice cut through the stillness.

“How are you?” He asked, his voice sincere. 

For a while Todd didn’t react, but as he turned his head to them, the worried looks on their faces only grew. Tear tracks stained his cheeks, his eyes were red and puffy and under them appeared dark circles. But the worst thing was the broken look in his eyes. He appeared so tired and haggard that he didn’t need to respond. He was obviously miserable.

“We brought you something to eat” Knox said, remembering the napkin in his hands, that contained a sandwich, which they carefully smuggled out of the dining hall.   
“We didn’t see you at mealtime today, so…” Knox trailed off with a small voice, not sure what else to say.

Todd only acknowledged him with a small nod, before turning his head to look out the window. It was snowing. Heavy flakes landed on the glass and covered the windowsill outside with a thick layer of snow.

“Todd?” Meeks tried to gain his attention once again “Please, talk to us. I know it’s not the same without him, but we are still here for you.” A few moments passed without any reaction and Meeks’ mouth opened to plead to Todd again, but he cut him off.

“I loved him”  
It was merely a whisper out of Todd’s mouth. His friends nearly would have overheard it.

“We all loved him, but – “Knox agreed, stepping forward.

Suddenly Todd’s head whipped around  
“No, you don’t understand.” He raised his voice. It sounded unused and full of bitterness. “He was more than a friend. He always was.”   
Charlie gently grabbed Knox’s arm and pulled him back to him and Meeks as Todd jumped from the windowsill, finally meeting the boys’ eyes.  
His face was now filled with anger and sorrow, in his eyes swam unshed tears and his tone was hurried, trying desperately to make his friends understand his feelings for the dead boy.   
“I loved him. I still do. And I did nothing about it.” Tears started to spill from his eyes and his voice cracked as be broke into sobs.  
In a blink of an eye his friends surrounded him and guided him to sit on a bed. Todd still clung to the emerald pullover, but the book fell from his hands and made a dull sound on the hardwood floor as it landed.

A Laurel wreath framed the golden letters on the cover that read “Five Centuries of Verse”. Meeks recognised the dead poets society book as soon as his eyes landed on the used leather and old pages, but some extra pages, which flared out of the book did not belong there. They seemed newer, but Steven didn’t take the time to look at them. Instead, he placed a hand on Todd’s knee to calm down the crying boy in front of him. 

Immediately Todd grasped his hand as if it would keep him from drowning. His other hand clawed so hard into the sweater with the embroidered initials “N.P.”, that his knuckles turned white. Knox had trapped his shaking form in a somehow awkward side hug, while Charlie tried to keep him still by gently grabbing his shoulder. Meeks clutched Dalton’s other hand, searching for some kind of support as well.

“He- He didn’t say goodbye” Todd stated in between sobs. The three boys around him just exchanged helpless glances. Their eyes starting to water and a painful expression was etched into each of their faces.  
“Why didn’t he say goodbye?” Todd screamed in a raw and desperate voice, before burying his head in his hands, letting Meeks go.  
“I can’t do this.” The words were muffled through his hands, but still audible. “Not without him”  
Meeks looked to Charlie and Knox, only to see tears streaming down their faces. He probably didn’t look any better. Casting his eyes downwards he tried to hide his hurt expression, but as he saw the poetry book, he got an idea. 

Slowly he lifted it up and quietly searched through the pages until he found what he was looking for. A few stray pages, written with neat handwriting, fell out of the book in the process, but as Meeks recognised Todd’s penmanship, he didn’t look at them any further, respecting his privacy. If he was ready, he would read his original works to them.   
Instead, he adjusted his glasses in an awkward motion, cleared his throat and began to read the poem he found in a soothing and quiet voice.

“Turn Again To Life by Mary Lee Hall” he declared, earning the attention of Charlie and Knox who turned their heads to him.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep  
I am not there. I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glints on snow  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn rain.”

Meeks didn’t turn his eyes from the page and Todd didn’t lift his head from his hands, but Meeks knew he was listening. 

“When you awaken in the morning’s hush  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft star that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry;  
I am not there. I did not die.”

Even after he finished the poem, the soft melodic words seemed to resonate through the room and brought a calming feeling to them all. Todd’s irregular breathing got steadier and the other two boys wiped away their tears and forced themselves to take deep breaths.  
With an encouraging nod, Meeks passed the book onto Charlie, who gently started to search for another poem to read. The turning pages let out a fluttering sound and the rough surface of the sheets of paper felt familiar under his fingertips. 

The atmosphere in the room felt homely and calming, but also incredible fragile, as If one too hectic move or a wrong noise could ruin everything. So they kept the comfortable silence until the pages stopped turning and Charlie commanded the attention of the other boys by clearing his throat.

“If I Should Go by Joyce Grenfell,” his consoling voice filled the room. Todd took his hands from his face. His eyes were still downcast, but he was listening without a doubt.   
“If I should die before the rest of you,  
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone.  
Nor, when I'm gone, speak in a Sunday voice,  
But be the usual selves that I have known.  
Weep if you must,  
Parting is hell.  
But life goes on,  
So... sing as well.“

Charlie smiled softly at the page, tracing the letters on it and relishing the moment, before handing the book to Knox. He didn’t need a lot of time. After flipping three pages, he nodded to himself.   
“Farewell by Anne Bronte” He recited, his voice clear and steady. 

“Farewell to thee! but not farewell  
To all my fondest thoughts of thee:  
Within my heart they still shall dwell;  
And they shall cheer and comfort me.”

Halfway through the poem Todd looked up. 

His hair was incredible messy and eyes even redder than before, but something in them changed. They weren’t broken anymore. Instead, you could find a glimmer of hope. And as he received the book from Knox, a small smile played on his lips, prompting the others to smile softly as well. 

Other than Charlie, Meeks and Knox, Todd didn’t browse through the book, but pulled out a small handwritten note from the very back of it. It was crumbled and some words had been crossed out, others had small notations near them. The paper was also stained with already dried tears, blotching the ink and making some letters unreadable.   
Todd shot his friends a determined look, took a deep breath and began to read his very own poem.

His voice started out shaky and unsure. Unsure of his own ability as a writer. Unsure about how to recite something he never heard out loud before. Unsure how much hope he should have.   
But it got better. He fought through line for line and every word rolled of his tongue easier. With every word he got surer of himself. And as he finished the last line, he felt as if a heavy weight got lifted from his shoulders. He felt better.

His eyes left the paper and searched his friends’.  
“That was beautiful” said Knox in awe  
“It was perfect” assured Meeks and Charlie nodded in agreement.  
Silence filled the room once again and for the first time since the funeral, Todd didn’t feel alone. 

And even though Neil wasn’t there, it felt right. Many things would feel wrong without Neil. They all knew that. They knew that Knox would turn to Neil’s seat every Chemistry lesson, wanting to shoot him helpless looks, even though Neil would never sit on that chair again. They knew that Todd would meet no eyes, as he searched for Neil’s validating face in English class and they knew that Charlie would tell jokes, that wouldn’t be met with laughter anymore, because only Neil could have understood them.

But this very moment, Todd sitting on the bed, Knox to his left, Charlie on his right and Meeks on the floor in front of him, everything felt all right.

“You know, Neil wouldn’t want you to miss out on life because of him” Charlie said after a while “He would have wanted you to seize the day.”  
Todd slowly nodded. “I know”  
The three boys watched him closely as if they could read his thoughts if they just stared long enough.  
“I will read them to him” Todd declared, pointing vaguely at the loose pages on the floor. “My poems. He always wanted to read them”  
“If you want, we will come with you” Knox offered, although he already knew the answer to his question.  
“No, I have to do that alone” Todd shook his head “Carpe Diem”  
“Carpe Diem” the boys repeated back. And although their cheeks were still wet from tears, a determined look could be found on each of their faces.   
They could do this. Not alone, but together.


End file.
